Episode 1 - The Why

Anni dives right in, opening up about a painful chapter in her story. “Vulnerability begets vulnerability,” she says, hoping listeners might be inspired to share courageously in their own lives.

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Transcript

Hello, welcome to Barely Christian, Fully Christian. This is Anni Ponder. This podcast explores loving Jesus, being repulsed by much of Christianity, and relating to the Holy Spirit as the divine feminine, or as I prefer to call her, Mama God.

In today's episode, I'll explore one reason I'm doing this podcast and let you in on a part of my story. Welcome. I'm so glad you're here.

Not long ago, I was taking a Masterclass online by Roxanne Gay. She's one of my favorite authors and I wanted to learn what she had to teach about writing. She opened the class with this question: "Why do you want to write?" And she said, "By the way, it can't be something so simple as because I've got a story to tell and it needs out. There has to be more depth to it than that." So I took that question and I began to think about it. And the answer that surfaced for me was because vulnerability begets vulnerability. In other words, if I can dare to share my story, bare my soul, open up and explore who I am with a microphone, with a pen, with a keyboard, maybe whoever reads or hears what I'm doing will have the courage to do the same.

And so I'm going to be really open and honest. I'm going to talk from my own experience. I'm going to share what I've learned, the hard things. I won't spare the details that might make me seem weak or foolish because I believe that when we are honest and vulnerable with one another, it gives permission for that to be a habit, and I'm hoping to see a world where more people can be more vulnerable. I've really seen this work in action. I'll share a story that illustrates how well I've seen this work.

A few years ago, I was hired to teach at a school that was just starting up. It was a new charter school for middle schoolers and it was opening in my town. I was so excited to learn of this place that was based on the principles of diversity and equity and inclusion and wanted to make education something accessible to all students, not just the students who traditionally do well.

They were really trying to bridge the gap. And so we took one whole month to prepare as new teachers together before the school year opened. We got together for a whole month to get to know each other and to put plans into motion that would launch us into our first year. And our director, a beloved woman who taught us so many good things that first year, said, "All right, so what we're going to do as an opening project is every one of you teachers is going to make an identity map. And you're going to share with us whatever you want us to know about yourself and represent it in whatever ways that you would like to, pictorially with words, with images, with however you want to express to us who you are, and then you're going to give us a presentation. And you're going to share with us your identity. How do you describe yourself?" Instantly I was really excited about this and my heart was beating fast because the first thing that came up when she said we're going to do an identity map is the thought: I'm going to have to tell people I have bipolar disorder.

And that thought was terrifying because immediately my defenses came up, but this is a brand new team and they'll need to know that I'm competent, and that I can be relied upon, and that I'm not the weakest link in the chain, and they'll need to see me as somebody who's strong and creative and bright. And if I tell them about my history with bipolar, they won't trust me. They'll be worried about me. They'll think all sorts of things about me and they won't like me. Well, I recognized that was the voice of fear, and I'm learning to ignore the voice of fear. And so I volunteered to be one of the first ones to share my identity map.

So the night before my presentation, I put together a visual representation of many things, not all things, because that's impossible, but many things that describe who I am. And I was really nervous, but also really excited because I had a feeling that being that vulnerable with my new colleagues would do good things for us. So the next morning came, I made sure to wear clothes that were bright and colorful and represented my fun personality and I stood up and put the projection on the screen and began to explain.

And so I had all these pictures of things that represent different parts of myself and I would allow the other colleagues to choose a picture and ask, "Well, what does that represent?" And then I would tell them.

And so the picture of the black lab represents my love for my dog Lola and all dogs everywhere and how I think dogs are really some of the best people on earth. And then there was an image of coffee because that really needs very little explanation but I wanted my colleagues to get to know I do have a daily coffee habit that I'm very proud of.

The image of the rainbow heart represents my deep love for especially kids who are in the LGBTQ community and who so often have a really hard time once they've discovered that part of their identity. And they often find rejection from their families, from their friends, from their faith communities. And my love for working with kids who are in that camp and my affiliation with the group Free Mom Hugs who get around kids who maybe don't get hugs from their parents because of their identity and love on them.

And then finally someone said, "Well, what does that winding path picture mean?" And I took a deep breath and said, "Okay, this is the one that I have been dreading. I knew this was coming, I put this in here, but this is gonna be hard to share." And I said, "This picture of this winding path represents my journey with bipolar disorder." And the room got really still and I watched as people's eyes got big and they stared right at me. And so I continued and said, "I want you to know first of all that my bipolar disorder now is well in hand. It's well treated, but it hasn't always been." And I told the story of how one of my greatest sadnesses about having bipolar disorder was the story where I lost my job where I had started a school. I had been involved from the very beginning with a beautiful school and I had loved it with all of my heart and my bipolar disorder got in the way and caused me to lose that job. And I lost my students and I lost their families and I ended up in the hospital. I didn't know I had bipolar disorder at the time. I didn't know that I needed treatment. And it was a really dark time. It took a long time to come out of. And as I shared this story, I watched the expressions on my colleagues' faces of compassion and warmth, and I kept looking and wondering, when am I going to feel rejection? When am I going to sense that they can't handle this, that there is judgment? And it never came. And so I finished up my presentation, I showed them the other pictures and what they meant about me. And then they had the most incredible reactions.

One of the people who would turn out to be a dear friend said, "I just can't believe that happened to you." She actually said it in some more colorful language that I won't repeat here, but she let me know that she was on my side and she was affirming me.

So right after the presentation, our boss said, "Let's take 15 minutes and go have a coffee break." So as I was walking toward the kitchen, a gentleman came up to me and I barely met him before, and he said, "I want you to know I'm so thankful you shared that. I'm so sorry for what you struggled with, for what you endured. And I want you to know I've got your back. Anything at all you need this year, you let me know because we stick together, we teachers here."

And then as I walked into the kitchen to get my coffee, another teacher came up to me and said, "Hey, would you mind, could we step outside? I'd like to talk to you for a minute." So we stepped outside. And she said, "I just want to thank you for being open and sharing that. I also have bipolar disorder and there's no way I would have felt comfortable sharing about that with this group of people. Everyone's so new. But you've given me hope and courage. And when it's my turn to do my identity map, I'm going to share two because I think you're on to something. I think there's strength in vulnerability. And I think the more we know about each other, the better."

So I went away from that feeling really good. And then all year long, I continued to reap the benefits of having bared my soul and dared to be vulnerable. Because it was a really hard year starting a brand new public school in the midst of the aftermath of COVID, based on the principles of diversity and equity and inclusion in a system that sometimes is absolutely the opposite is a really hard task. And we struggled and we had so many obstacles to overcome. And we would have staff meetings daily to figure out new systems and to troubleshoot problems and come up with solutions. And many times during those conversations, somebody would reference, "Well, I need to be honest about something that's going on with me. And because Anni opened the door for vulnerability this year, I'm just going to share." And we would see people over and over sharing and saying, "Hey, I need help in this area. I need to ask for some grace because I'm really struggling with this or that."

And all year long, that openness continued to reap benefits, not only for the members of my team, but also for me personally. There came a point in the year when my plate was so full, I couldn't function. I was doing too many things. And like with many organizations that are just starting up and that are underfunded, like charter schools often are, we just didn't have enough people to do all the things and so we had too many tasks. So, I walked into my boss's office one day and said, "I'm about to crack. I'm not getting enough sleep. It's really important for me and my mental health and my physical health too, that I do get enough sleep. I'm doing too much." And because I had been so vulnerable earlier on, she knew exactly what I was talking about and said, "Done. I will take that extra task off your plate. I will find somebody else. I'll find a volunteer to come in and do it."

And boom, I had help when I needed it. So what I learned from that experience, and that's just one, I've had many times when I've seen openness and vulnerability bring really good things. What I've learned is I'm going to be courageous. I'm going to talk and share in the hopes that that might give you permission to do the same in your world. Now, I know that the minute you open up your mouth and share something really tender about yourself, you're opening yourself up to criticism and attacks and judgment. And of course, we have to be wise and we have to know who we're talking with and we have to understand that not everybody is at a place where they can handle what we're needing to share. And so we have to be very cautious about it.

But I do trust the goodness in, well, all people. I trust that people are good and sometimes we're just very far from ourselves. And I do realize that there will be some people who are looking for vulnerability and they see it as weakness and they'll say, "Ooh, now that you've shared that, I can pounce and I can attack and I can come in and dig on you because you have said something that leaves you open to attack."

And to that, I would just say: "Peace be with you. I'm going to take some deep breaths. I hope you will and I hope you will remember, you know what? We are all in the same narrative and the sooner we get to that, the better off we'll be."

So if you happen to be somebody who's listening for an open spot so you can thrust your sword in, I would just say, before you attack, can you listen with love for what I'm really saying? What I'm really wanting to share, which is God's love is big enough for all of us and we're going to be all right.

I also share because I need to, because it's just good for me to share. Recently, I was in an Uber with my best friend, and the driver was asking us about what we did for a living. But I got the sense that this guy was maybe a part -time philosopher as well. He was really deep and wanted to go all the way down to the root. I told him, "Well, I've been a teacher for a really long time, but recently I had to quit teaching." I said, "Because I've been a teacher this whole time and really loved it, but I couldn't not write anymore. I couldn't not speak. I couldn't hold in my voice and my stories and what I have to share. Because it needs a place to come out." And he laughed and congratulated me on following my dreams. But that really stuck with me. It had just come out when he asked, why did I quit teaching? Because I have things to say, I've got a message to share and I need to get it out.

So I was talking about this with my counselor and he was like, "Oh, okay, yeah, what is your message? What is it that you're trying to share?" And I said, "The message I really want people to know is that no matter where we come from, no matter our background, our experience, our history, no matter what's going on in our lives, God is better than we think She is."

And he laughed and he cautioned me, "Oh yeah, they'll throw you right out on your ear for that, right? You know that." Yes, I'm aware that a lot of people benefit from thinking that God is not as good as we could possibly imagine. And they need to remind us why there's so much to be afraid of about God and why God is really so terrible. And to them, I would just say, "I hope and pray that you can discover the ultimate goodness of God and how very good She is."

And yeah, I did say "She" because that's coming up. We're gonna talk about Mama God pretty soon.

Well, in the meantime. I just want to say thanks for being here, and I really would love to hear from you. I'd love to know what you're wrestling with, what your struggles are, where you are in your journey today. Do you have faith? Are you looking for faith? Are you wondering about things? All of these things I welcome hearing about. You can ask questions, you can make suggestions for things that could be in a podcast or a blog. You can just share who you are. I'd love to hear from you. So you can get ahold of me in a couple of ways.

Probably the fastest is to go to my website, anniponder.com, and remember there's no E in Anni, it's just A N N I. From there you can find my links to Facebook and Instagram. You can sign up for a newsletter if you'd like to keep in touch that way. And there's a connect button right there, so you can just send me a message straight from the website.

The artwork for Barely Christian, Fully Christian, was lovingly created by Lauren Leith of Little Moon Market. You can find her on Instagram if you'd like a beautiful moon of your own.

This gorgeous song by Wyn Doran and Paul Craig is called “Banks of Massachusetts.” Enjoy.